not all who wander are lost

i would really not be leaving the country if it were not for my mom. and i don't mean that in the bad way, but in the good one.

last fall, when i was in la, miserable, and thrown into personal crisis, i was on the phone with my mom - for one of what was probably several times that day - and i said that i should travel, and figure out what i want to do on a beach in thailand. her response was immediate: "i think you should."

my mom's support has been unwavering. she welcomed me moving back home, she patiently listened to all of my blather and planning and worry for the past year, and sat through many trips to REI. she also knew that today was coming, and that i was leaving, but she never let her sadness about that color her support for me. and even tonight, when leaving is really, really hard, she just reminds me that i can do this, that i will love this, and that everything will be great in the end. even though she sometimes cries when she says it, i know that she means it.

really, i have gotten nothing but support and favor for this crazy, stupid, wonderful plan of mine. i get some worry about disaster befalling, i get some sadness, i get some envy or blank stares, but really, everyone has been so for this. it makes me certain that i can do it, and almost as certain that it's the right thing to do (really, that's at a solid 70%; i hope to have it full to 100 by the end of the week).

my dad has outfitted me with all of the techno gear i could want - he's always 10 steps ahead, and he makes sure that i will have everything i could need for the whole time. my sister has always been the cheering corner - she's the one who keeps me abreast of how fun this will be. and my mom is the one that reminds me that this is what i want, and that when i am done, i always have a home to come home to.

i have had a rough couple of days. i feel really prepared - i think i have covered all of the bases i could reasonably expect, and i am all set. but i am not ready. leaving is the hardest part, and it is made even more dramatic with the knowledge that what i am doing is a big ol' leap of faith. i am not good with change, especially when i like things as they are.

i do love home. fortunately, my dad and my sister and my mom have made it easy to take home with me. i will be sad to go - i already am, and the morning...well, it will be ugly, y'all - but i've got a lot in my corner. my mom has never wavered, so i will not either.

of course, since i will also be thinking about the people who are not with me all the time whilst i am gone, i am sending pics to her, just to remind her that i am thinking of home and missing it.