the truth is, i am tired. right now, today, yesterday, i am tired of traveling. if you honestly gave me the choice to keep going as planned, or to go home with no harm or foul...i would take the latter. i would leave. right now i am just at the end of my rope.
i am at the halfway point - way past it, technically, if you count from when i left for south america, and just at it from when i left again for new zealand - and i think i am just worn out from traveling in general. it is draining, to always have to be making decisions, figuring out where to go, always on the move, always away from anyone who knows you.
some of it, to be sure, is bangkok, and thailand in general. it's a hot, disorienting country, one that i didn't intend to be in this long - that kind of thing wears on a person.
part of it is just the added difficulty of being abroad for so long. anything that goes wrong is a huge hassle - calling a credit card company, for instance, is nearly impossible from another country. and things go wrong, all the time, things that are an annoying 5 minute fix at home and a full day of stress on the road.
so there it is. i am burned out and lonely. but the bright side: i leave bangkok tomorrow. i fly to somewhere significantly cooler, significantly more picturesque. i get to move on and keep going, and remind myself that, no, i don't want to leave. i want to be right here doing this exact thing.
and best of all, i get to see my parents. i get to have a hug - it's been six weeks - and i get to let someone else choose where we go to dinner, and i get to have people i love around me.
i just hope nothing goes wrong, because if my parents are with me, who is at home to fix everything? hi, susan!
no, it will be fine. this mood will pass, i will love greece, i will get to see pyramids and fjords and rolling green hills yet, and i will be a better person for it, and so grateful. but the truth is, every day of travel is not a vacation.
6 comments:
Annie,
When I was studying abroad in France, an experience that I loved more than anything, I had a little calendar on which I marked off the days until I went home. Most days that made me very sad, but there were more than a few days that it gave me hope. You're right, you will feel better soon. It will be good to see family.
I had a similar experience to piffle, Annie...but I look back on even the sadder days with very fond memories and an understanding of how I grew and became stronger through the experience.
I appreciate you sharing both sides of the coin on your blog. It helps those of us, your "fans" :), to better understand and live vicariously through your experience! I hope that writing about it helps you through the tougher times.
I have no similar experience to relate, but I have hugs to send and love to give you darling. I'll be thinking of you on Saturday and I'll drink a delicious beer in your honor, dear.
Hugs and hugs and hugs!
ditto to the piffle-meister.
when i was traveling alone in spain after college (before our infamous prague rendevouz!), i had many days where i felt like total sh!t. and i was only gone away for a month!
and now, years later, i look back on those days when i felt lonely and tired and think "wow, i was really messed up back then. why did i so stupidly think like that, it obviously wasn't true deep down?!?" and it makes my current self feel much better.
so there's that to look forward to about these days in bangkok five years from now! (though i know it's hard to get past the immediacy of these emotions.)
anyway, miss you, love you, and am sooooo looking forward to soon having brunches with you more often than once a year! :)
Nie,
I have been completely terrible about reading your blog regularly. But today I went back far enough to see you were robbed and you're lonely as all hell! Hard week.
Just like our friends have said, I too was lonely as ef when I traveled abroad, and some days were more emotionally than physically exhausting. But you're right to befriend anyone who's friendly, and you're right to take every day as a new one. Because amidst the hard days are these magical ones, and they are well worth it. Good luck. Thinking of you.
P.S. I got your postcard ages ago.
HI ANNE COUSIN SCOTT AGAIN, HAVE FUN WITH YOUR MOM AND DAD. TELL EVERYONE HI FOR US.
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